The Biggest Loser Part 2

TBL2: The Rise of the Trainers

The 16 contestants are now in Camp BL, and ready for their first training session. These first exposures to the gym/dojang/boxing ring/military parade ground can be tough, with many reduced to tears, emotionally drained and often vomiting. And that’s just the viewers.

The first sessions were full of surprises. In a twist no-one saw coming, the first reference to contestants as ‘warriors’ came from Shannon. Tiffany’s patent lawyers are investigating as I type. The blue team’s session was an awakening for Shannon: ‘we hadn’t even gone five minutes; Ryan’s collapsed and Hamish is bawling his eyes out. It’s going to be a long hard road for the blue team.’ Undaunted, Shannon pushed Ryan all the way to the top of the concrete steps, towards what appears to be the Camp BL baptismal font: arise, the rechristened Ryzer. And watch out, young men of the blue: you hold no mystery to the great and powerful Shazza, who, growing up in Sydney, has ‘had blokes over 200kg all my life.’

Over in the ninja room, Tiffany contradicted her own claim that ‘there is no can’t in the dojang’. T-zone led her unsuspecting young virgins through a series of ritualised tortures. Hana! Du! What the f*ck? Reminding us all that ‘no one that overweight is ever happy’ – in spite of footage showing Bek clearly having a great time with a cheeky pinot gris – T-Bar set out to prove her point by talking to the girls until they are miserable. Speaking for all Australians, girlfriend Selena confided ‘I felt like turning off my hearing aid and saying ‘f you’ to Tiffany’.  

In the gym, La Bridges seemed almost disappointed that none of her team are complaining, vomiting, crying or arguing with her. Determined to forge on regardless, Mich takes the team into Casa BL to recreate scenes from Gone With the Wind, running up and down the red carpeted stairs. With none of the team falling to the carpet, wailing, ‘Rhett! Where will I go, what will I do?’ a disconsolate MB threatens ‘you’re done – for now’, and sulks off to write a column for The Sunday Age titled ‘Fat food makes fat people fat, fatties’.

On the parade ground, Major Hornbag is making the black team drop to the ground – and get back up again. This revolutionary weight loss approach clearly transports Alex back to his younger days, when as a boy in short pants he spent hours in the back yard dropping to the ground and standing back up again. For in a bizarre moment of transference unprecedented in the annals of psychoanalysis, he called Commando ‘Mum.’

Having borrowed Shazza’s soul-o-scope (sightings: 1), BL Big Brother (BLBB) has seen the contestants’ souls laid bare. Counsellor Dr Hayley Lewis PhD led a group therapy session in which we learned that Lydia, like the pioneering early settlers who established Camp BL, had been brought to TBL by horses. My hopes for another palomino-coloured outfit have been raised: and, despite Margie Busyhands’ best efforts, pinto pants may still be the only thing coming out of Lydia’s closet. Some cunning editing during Michelle’s story had me half expecting James to cross the floor and say ‘will you accept this rose?’ Clearly TBL is hoping to become The Biggest Love, sans Chloe Sevigny and Mormon maxidresses.

With black team spirit inspiring Graham to a Black Panther salute, we moved from TBL couch to TBL hangar, where the contestants are greeted by my favourite HOM (handsome older man – keep up, people) Dr Norman Swan. I immediately want to register for a breast exam. Dr HOM summoned a ute chock full of something so obviously horrifying and on the nose I expected Millsy and the YTT team to tumble out and perform a Shannon Noll medley. But no – it’s fat, which Brenda (how beautiful is that woman???) is told is a contraceptive(are you listening, K-Fed?). Dr HOM was joined by Dr Michael Stipe, introducing the kind of cutting edge bioage testing that seems only available in Glasgow. Cut to Commando, who staked a claim for a spot in The Circle Marketplace with his unscripted infomercial for Nicorette.

After our contestants are told how old their livers are, BL University’s faculty led them through a series of creative writing workshops. The dojang became a moot court as T-shirt and the girls drafted contracts. Shagger asked his young men to defy all laws of nature by making a commitment. Michelle and her disappointingly compliant women redrafted The Vagina Monologues, while Commando spent the afternoon being coached by Pat Benetta.

The first temptation was a study in television cross promotion, featuring props from Wheel of Fortune and James and Selena reprising Australian Idol (Courtney Murphy and Casey Donovan, how we’ve missed you). And with James competing against a toasted cheese and tomato sandwich, the temptation seems set to be a nail biter.