TBL6: K is for kill-o-joule - the Canberra Diaries
Prevented from blogging for the past few weeks due to a
nasty strain of my enthusiasmus dorsii and confined to a moonboot and traction,
I’m back at the keyboard to document the highs and lows, big numbers and small
minds of Camp BL. In revisiting the past few weeks, it has occurred to me that
for a couple of weeks at least, the goings on in Camp BL eerily mirrored those
in our nation’s capital. In fact, so much did the strategising in Biggest Loser
House resemble that in the House of Representatives that I couldn’t help but
draw the conclusion that, in Canberra or in Camp, K was for killer. K-Rudd, BeK
and Kasey: this blog is dedicated to your scheming, backstabbing and – in the
case of all three – inability to pull big numbers.
But I digress. We left off with the obstacle course that proved
to everyone that the new Hamish was ready to tackle new challenges - with exactly
the same approach as the old Hamish. Finishing last and crying, Hamish somehow
managed to take a life lesson from the experience by declaring ‘I finished, and
that’s what counts’. Meanwhile, Luke dropped him faster than Brad Pitt, John
Mayer, Vince Vaughan, insert- B-grade-actor-name-here have dropped the Aniston.
Cut to footage of Ryan at his desk, where we learned that he is a superhero of
health insurance, whose super power is apparently hoovering Doritos. Over to
the weigh in, Graeme again brought everyone to tears just by being Graeme and
sharing some home-spun, down-home, Forrest Gump wisdom. The weigh in proved
devastating for my favourite girl Brenda, who was shattered that she didn’t
pull bigger numbers from her tear ducts. The red team clung to their only hope:
that the white team would fall below the line and put up Bek for elimination.
Denied this chance, Bek instead brought Brenda to tears not only by betraying her,
but by declaring that she ‘casted’ a vote. To the sound of the elimination
music (which, incidentally, I’m convinced features a choir of cherubim singing
‘don’t vote me out – don’t vote me out’: listen carefully next time), Ryzer
showed some game and denied me my dream of seeing Brenda and Simon fall in
love. We said goodbye to Brenda, and joined La Bridges in regretting the
departure of a contestant who was ‘just beginning to realise that she didn’t
need to cry in a training session.’
With the teams reorganised to pitch boys against girls,
T-spot created a new training technique to give her ninjas the edge: pink head
bands. Calling on the women to give a strong warrior cry and show commitment to
the session, Tipper prompted us all to think about being committed – and who
should be. Michelle, observing Lydia’s scepticism regarding all things ninja,
pointed out that ‘she thinks we just go hiya! Hiya! But it’s so much more’:
there’s counting in Korean, brushing each other’s hair, sharing lip plumping
gloss…
This week also saw the emergence of a new barometer of BL
mood. Joining the soul-o-scope and eyeball circumference, we are delighted to
welcome Margieface. The indicator of everyone’s true feelings, Margieface
manages to underscore the absurdity of what is said by revealing what we are
all thinking. When Bek’s inability to complete a minute on the treadmill forced
every contestant to keep running until she did, Michelle’s supportive ‘nice
training, Bek’ was counterbalanced by Margieface’s ‘just run for a minute, you
slack mole.’ During the challenge, when Ryan had to bear an extra 5kg on his
shoulders every time a question was answered incorrectly, Ryan declared, ‘I
trust Hamish to answer my questions’: Margieface indicated ‘I wouldn’t trust
Hamish to answer my phone.’ Margieface proved the better judge: as Hamish
declared it ‘amusing to watch the weight pile up on Ryan,’ at 40kg Hamish
wrongly answered a question about nuts and Ryan lost his. Later, reaching for a
Mars bar, Hamish reflected that ‘Ryan giving up at 40kg was so disappointing.’
Keep chewing, lettuce, keep chewing.
Back at the challenge, Michelle was proving a force for the
boys. Pedalling on the spin bike, it was difficult to tell if she was cycling
or birthing, with Tiffiny screaming ‘Push! Push! Push!’ Victorious, Michelle
sobbed as Margie jumped on her faster than Delta Goodrem on a Jonas brother*.
With the girls winning the chance to take the walk, they slyly nominated Lydia
by telling her to ‘take the bit between her teeth’ and thereby tricking her
into thinking she was taking a pony ride. The result of the walk was forcing
the boys to eat orange food for a week, sending Ryan into a Dorito-induced
delirium. Shagger, in the second Camp BL unscripted infomercial, plugged a
probiotic ‘to keep their guts good,’ and a multivitamin, to keep their orange
urine extremely expensive.
Temptation was in the form of a dinner party, to which all
contestants except Ryan decided that he was not the one coming to dinner. With
the ladies all frocked up, the producers thoughtfully provided Margie with a
pants suit (cultural stereotype, anyone?) to see her through the challenge.
Hamish, deciding to take on the challenge, sat at the table being a complete
winker in order to prevent Ryan from taking temptation because ‘he hasn’t put
in the effort this week.’ Apparently pots can also call kettles blue. Hamish
added a new string to his bow this week by learning to cry because he ‘kept
going’, whilst simultaneously looking into his own soul (reference 4). Electing
to take Michelle away overnight as part of his reward, Hamish induced
involuntary weight loss in a nation of viewers by leaning in towards her and
putting us all off our dinner.
Elimination proved predictable, with Ryan, for once without
immunity, was sent back to health insurance superherodom. Shannan, walking into
the gym, revealed again his psychic gifts by realising instantly that a 200kg
man ‘wasn’t there’. Hamish apparently walked through a wardrobe and entered
Narnia when he declared that ‘I don’t think there was a big difference in
fitness between me and Luke.’ Meanwhile, the red team’s training session was
proudly brought to us by San Vittorio water. With the challenge to carry bricks
from one end of a field to another, Bek, drawing on her heritage of builders,
hoped she was genetically predisposed to carry bricks instead of just thinking
like one. Hamish, still in the glow of first love, was convinced that Michelle
was winking at him before realising that she had brick dust in her eye. Luke,
winning the challenge, got a leave pass to Adelaide and apparently spent the
night at the Port Adelaide Club Hotel pokies.
Back at the camp, a surprise weigh-in proved to be an
editorial tour de force. Cut to Bek being a sniper; cut to Hamish staring at
Michelle; cut to Michelle avoiding Hamish’s gaze; cut to T-zone, who appeared to
be morphing into Heidi Montag; cut to Lydia who declared that her weight loss
is ‘as much for my horse as it is for me’; cut to Lydia’s horse, looking
decidedly relieved.
The next challenge saw the contestants on the beach, forced
to dig a kayak and paddle out of the sand. While Simon tried to draw on psychic
ability to locate the kayak, Lydia declared that ‘if Bek moved her body as much
as her mouth she’d lose a few kilos.’ Selena, meanwhile, pulled the Tiff move
and turned off her hearing aid to find ‘a world of silence’ away from Bek.
Hamish, meanwhile, was trying a new strategy: crying. Luke, seeming to channel
Shagger (well, all this looking into each other’s souls – reference 5 – has to
have some reciprocal benefits), shouted ‘are you representing the blue team, or
the ‘I want to give my mum a hug’ team?’
It was during this challenge that the analogies between the
labour on the beach and Labor on the bench became so apparent. As K-Rudd was
unearthing supporters in the nation’s capital, the two K’s – BeK and Kasey –
were staging a coup of their own while unearthing a kayak. As Selena dug, BeK
bitched, bullied and banged on on the sidelines; Kasey, quickly tiring of doing
all the work and taking none of the credit, was busily doing a bit of
whiteanting of her own. It was clear that relations among the white team were
as collaborative as a Caucus meeting. With the white team coming last in the
challenge, failing to mine their kayak despite a taxing effort (although they
did stop their boat), it was clear that the climate had changed. BeK, once so popular
and apparently rational and thoughtful, was becoming increasingly manipulative.
It was clear that a challenge had to be made; with elimination came the
opportunity to dethrone the autocrat. Smoothly stepping into the breach, Kasey
put the K in K Rudd back into Camp BL with an elegant character assassination
of her team mate. Stay tuned for Margieface to substitute for the faceless men
and women of Canberra.
*I told you it had been a few weeks since posting a blog.
How quickly Polly Prissy Pants moves on…
