The Biggest Loser Part 4

TBL 4: The farmer wants a loser

We rejoin our contestants, still reeling from the drama of elimination, to watch them do what they do best: recap. With an alacrity bestowed only on Camp BL alumni, the contestants mixed their metaphors and defied the laws of physics (‘I hoped and prayed,’ gushed Bek, ‘that deep down Selena was going to come through the room’) in order to recount their experience. In the tradition of TBL editorial mentor Bruce McAveney, the contestants’ summary manages to take longer than the elimination itself. Simon told the blue and white teams that ‘if no one cast a vote, no one would be going home’. Seeking clarification of this impenetrable gobbledegook, James asked, ‘so you had the opportunity not to vote anyone out.’ Realising how enigmatic his earlier message had been, Simon helpfully decodes, saying ‘we had the opportunity not to vote anyone out.’ Seeing how inarticulate the contestants were, the editors thoughtfully cut to earlier footage of Hayley explaining that, if no one cast a vote, no one would be going home. Australians all let us rejoice, for we finally understand the complexity of TBL’s voting system.

Tragically (for so many reasons), the trainers then entered the room: and so the recap was recapped. Eyes went big, Margie took a stand, and the Commando copped a cushion in the six pack.

Sensing that the teams needed to regroup, the trainers took charge. T-whiz revolutionised training in the dojang by counting in English. Commando led the black swans on an emotional journey to explore their feelings, drag some big ropes and crawl through mud. Then it was challenge time: Shane managed to outwit, outplay and outlast everyone, showing endurance, poise and strength by holding the yellow pages and whistling ‘Sweet Georgia Brown’. His reward: THE WALK.

How I’ve waited for this to come back to TBL’s toolbag of temptations. Poised on the edge of the big blue couch, I dared to dream: is this the return of the birdbath of control? Will the floating gerberas of chance again conceal the pebbles of decision? Sadly, no: gone, and replaced by the tool boxes of fate, which must have kept the prop guys busy for all of three minutes. Cut to Shane, who upholds TBL tradition by announcing what he is about to do, doing it, then telling us what he has done. Returning to Camp BL, he told the others that he had been faced with three forms of power: power over food, power over training, power to be a tool. His choice: to bring Selena back (yeah! See, the Timberlake/Timberland show continues…). This triggered quiet self-reflection in Margie, in which she reconsidered her initial position and realised she had been unfair to eliminate Selena. Then Father John exorcised the demon causing Marlena to levitate, and I realised it was all a dream…

While Commando was learning his lines for his Aah! Bra informercial, Shagger, T-spot and M-Briddy took their teams to the beach. Tiffiny sucked the ‘incentiv’ out of ‘incentivise’ by promising that if the girls ran up a massive hill ‘there’s high fives waiting for you.’ After misdiagnosing the source of Michelle’s anxiety attacks as due to anything but her maniacal ‘encouragement,’ Ice-T declared her ‘a warrior on the inside’. Showing similar analytical acuity, La Bridges was not prepared to accept that Brenda’s tears may have been brought on by being forced to exfoliate her chin across Bronte Beach.

A quick shower and change, and the contestants were off to Sydney’s Town Hall for temptation. Bek, having learned clarity from her previous mixed metaphor, declared temptation ‘very tempting’. In taking temptation, James revealed a sad secret from his past: he hadn’t watched any previous TBL series and therefore didn’t realise that $30,000 isn’t just given away, winning for his efforts a Samsonite briefcase and handcuffs. He also underestimated the power of his trainer’s psychic gifts: Shagger urged James to ‘tell me the story, although I can see it in your eyes already’. Ryan proved that by losing weight he gained literacy by declaring it was ‘bucketing down outside like the mood of the blue team’. Seeing Ryzer’s simile, Shags raised him a metaphor by announcing that James’ briefcase was ‘heavy, but was weighing him down far more mentally.’

Cut to the kitchen, where CommandoChef waxed Calombaris by describing the link between emotions and food. Apparently, poor nutrition leads inexorably to uncontrollable weeping on the scales. Sensing that he was a in a safe place, Shane revealed his own dark secret - an entirely rational fear of mesclun. MasterHot drove his point home (sorry, I just need to reflect on that for a moment…ok, back now) when he noted that the stainless steel bench looked just liked the stainless steel scales. This seemed to throw Graham into confusion: does this mean he should stand on the bench on Monday and make salad in the weigh-in room?

The next excursion was to the BL Ranch, where contestants were told that they were to round up and pen sheep. Margie had to hold Lydia back from sprinting towards a horse, while James, still weighed down mentally by a gold brick, noted that ‘the dog made it look easy’. Graham, his arm in a sling following a misunderstanding over kitchen scales, was insistent that ‘I don’t need my arm to round up sheep.’ Each team needed to sit out a contestant, so Ryzer, still dazed from being flung off the treadmill, stepped aside to allow James to chase sheep with his briefcase like a deranged wool trader. Each contestant revealed their own particular talents. Kasey declared ‘sheep are the most dumbest animals ever’ then was roundly outsmarted by all of them. Lydia ‘the sheep whisperer’ demonstrated that sheep really just want to be stroked and he(a)rd, while Shane managed to pen both a sheep and Simon. Hamish, the blue team’s own Dr Doolittle, ran away from the sheep and managed to do as little as possible. With the battle between the black and red teams to come, we wool wait for the shear excitement of that contest to hit our screens next week. I know I am as excited as ewes all.