TBL5: Crouching Tiger, Wilting Lettuce
What a big week it has been at Camp BL. We began as we
ended, in the sheep paddock, where the red team proved that mutton bested lamb.
Back at Camp, the contestants were eating breakfast when our favourite feisty
girl Selena came back for what seemed to her like a second chance (perhaps
because that’s what it is). Hearing that her team won a two kilo weight
advantage, Michelle auditioned for a role in Glee as one of Sue Sylvester’s Cheerios before regaining composure enough
to explain that last chance training is the last chance to train before weigh
in. Another BL riddle solved. Yet again, Brenda was under the eyeball, Michelle
refusing to believe that Brenda responds to adversity by crying. ‘War, death,
tragedy, earthquake – cry. But a training session? I don’t think so,’ says BL’s
Mother Teresa. I empathise with Brenda: I know nothing satisfies me more than a
good old An Affair to Remember-style sob. Granted, for me it’s seldom
because of fitball squats and more likely a consequence of learning that
Chrissy Swan has left The Circle. But
we criers stick together, girlfriend*.
Over in the Shaggerdome, James is still chained to the
Samsonite and making his decision. Showing faith in his protégé’s development
over the past two weeks, Shannan not only discourages James to return to the
outside as a richer ‘fat bloke’, but tells him he doesn’t believe James can
lose weight on the outside. While Jamesie J claims it’s not about the money, he
proves it is by taking the cash and leaving the competition and any prospect of
a Workout World endorsement behind. The
black and white teams fell below the yellow line, and Shane and Michelle
were sent in to elimination. With Shane leaving, the fittest and funniest member of the
black team has gone: but Camp BL’s sweetheart and recently voted 'most likely to
be hit on by one of the blue team' lives to sing another love song and dedication.
BLBB extended its range this week, with the trainers being
treated to 24 hour footage of contestants sitting, rolling around on the floor,
and stuffing ham and cheese sandwiches down their faces. Taking the trainers on
a guided tour through the set of Homeland,
Hayley reveals a bunker filled with CCTV screens. Shocked by what she's seen, Bridges snuck into the cool room to steal any treats she
can find, talking about needing to trust Margie around cheese while stuffing
chocolate mousses down her hoodie.
Tricking the contestants into believing they are leaving
Camp BL for a night on the town, Shags and Shelley take them to an auditorium
where they are told that they are, in fact, the show. Seemingly forgetting that
their every move is being filmed for television, the contestants flew into a
blind panic at the prospect of public speaking. Bek read the nation’s collective
mind by declaring ‘I don’t have any talent,’ while Hamish required intensive
support from Shannan to generate any interest in his life so far. Shags then
confused Hamish by declaring that they were ‘talking like two blokes talk,’
while appearing to wear a pair of Bettina Liano jeggings. Meanwhile, Kasey took
to the stage to tell how her weight had stopped her from being able to ride her
horse, a revelation that prompted Lydia to burst into tears. Michelle revealed
for the second time that her weight stopped her from having the confidence to
sing in public, before once again singing in public. Announcing that she was
dedicating her song to everyone who had struggled with their weight, she burst
into Amazing Grace, surprising a
crowd that were ready for The Smiths’ You’re
the one for me, Fatty.
This week showed that James’ exit from the blue team has had
the unexpected consequence of shining a spotlight on his teammate, Hamish. The
undoubted star of this week’s episodes, Hamish has exposed himself (literally)
as the wettest lettuce ever to land in the BL salad bowl. This series we’ve
travelled an emotional journey with the son-of-a-Tour-de-France rider (another
photo of Dad, anyone?). We’ve watched him cry while reliving his years of
bullying; cry while running up steps; cry on the treadmill because it was
moving too fast; cry when he discovered the chocolate mousses were missing from
the cool room. His resilience was put to its strongest test during the
cross-country challenge, where he and his nemesis, Luke, were paired up in a
challenge to win a two kilogram advantage in the weigh in. When the whistle
blew, Luke set a cracking pace and took an early lead: then turned around and
jogged to the back of the field to wait for Hamish who was inexplicably
punching the ground and grunting. Wading through thick mud, Hamish struggled to
maintain his momentum as well as his dignity, with Shannan screaming “don’t
worry about your bum. Pull your pants up while you’re moving, you can do two
things at once.” Apparently moving, hoisting AND whingeing is taking multitasking
too far. Commando, peering through the soul-o-scope (reference 3), urged Graham
to pass Hamish by observing ‘he’s young, he’s weak in his head.’ Luke summed up
the situation by declaring ‘the course had twelve obstacles, but I’m dealing
with thirteen, because I’ve got Hamish’. In a moment of pure schadenfreude,
Simon declared that ‘Hamish’s frustration lifted my spirits,’ while Brenda
stood at the finish line, waiting to take Hamish aside for a quiet word about
not stealing another contestant’s gig.
Meanwhile, the women were well ahead, clambering over giant wooden
cable reels. The red team were in the lead until Lydia, hearing T-zone shout ‘climbing
over these reels is like getting on a horse,’ sprinted back and hurled herself
on a reel, screaming ‘It’s a pony!’ The afternoon belonged to Hamish, however:
confronted with a choice between becoming a man by swinging on a rope and
falling into a river or crying, Hamish took the only logical option. Moaning ‘why
can’t I just slide into the water?’ Hamish drew sympathy from his patient
trainer and teammate: Shags shoved him into the river while Luke dragged him to
the shore. With ‘I don’t want to!’ ringing in everyone’s ears, we are left to
wonder: will Graeme make it out of the mud in time to cross the line ahead of
Luke and Hamish, or will the most feeble runt of the BL litter manage to
flounce his way to the finish?
*Except when that crier is Hamish. Then all bets are off,
lettuce.
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