imabogan: February 2012

Monday, 13 February 2012

Happy Valentines Day!

To all of you out there.....lots of love (and a tiny dose of cynicism) from all of us here at imabogan....

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Before there was Britney....there was WHITNEY! She will be forever etched into the hearts and minds of anyone who lived through the 80's with a bad perm and a two-step dance shuffle with high clicks in the air. Many hours were spent in front of the mirror in my bubblegummer jeans, fluorescent crop top and side pony lip syncing to Whitney. I wanna dance wit' somebody!

R.I.P Whitney, true legend of the music game... you will be missed.

The Biggest Loser Part 5

TBL5: Crouching Tiger, Wilting Lettuce

What a big week it has been at Camp BL. We began as we ended, in the sheep paddock, where the red team proved that mutton bested lamb. Back at Camp, the contestants were eating breakfast when our favourite feisty girl Selena came back for what seemed to her like a second chance (perhaps because that’s what it is). Hearing that her team won a two kilo weight advantage, Michelle auditioned for a role in Glee as one of Sue Sylvester’s Cheerios before regaining composure enough to explain that last chance training is the last chance to train before weigh in. Another BL riddle solved. Yet again, Brenda was under the eyeball, Michelle refusing to believe that Brenda responds to adversity by crying. ‘War, death, tragedy, earthquake – cry. But a training session? I don’t think so,’ says BL’s Mother Teresa. I empathise with Brenda: I know nothing satisfies me more than a good old An Affair to Remember-style sob. Granted, for me it’s seldom because of fitball squats and more likely a consequence of learning that Chrissy Swan has left The Circle. But we criers stick together, girlfriend*.

Over in the Shaggerdome, James is still chained to the Samsonite and making his decision. Showing faith in his protégé’s development over the past two weeks, Shannan not only discourages James to return to the outside as a richer ‘fat bloke’, but tells him he doesn’t believe James can lose weight on the outside. While Jamesie J claims it’s not about the money, he proves it is by taking the cash and leaving the competition and any prospect of a Workout World endorsement behind. The black and white teams fell below the yellow line, and Shane and Michelle were sent in to elimination. With Shane leaving, the fittest and funniest member of the black team has gone: but Camp BL’s sweetheart and recently voted 'most likely to be hit on by one of the blue team' lives to sing another love song and dedication.

BLBB extended its range this week, with the trainers being treated to 24 hour footage of contestants sitting, rolling around on the floor, and stuffing ham and cheese sandwiches down their faces. Taking the trainers on a guided tour through the set of Homeland, Hayley reveals a bunker filled with CCTV screens. Shocked by what she's seen, Bridges snuck into the cool room to steal any treats she can find, talking about needing to trust Margie around cheese while stuffing chocolate mousses down her hoodie.

Tricking the contestants into believing they are leaving Camp BL for a night on the town, Shags and Shelley take them to an auditorium where they are told that they are, in fact, the show. Seemingly forgetting that their every move is being filmed for television, the contestants flew into a blind panic at the prospect of public speaking. Bek read the nation’s collective mind by declaring ‘I don’t have any talent,’ while Hamish required intensive support from Shannan to generate any interest in his life so far. Shags then confused Hamish by declaring that they were ‘talking like two blokes talk,’ while appearing to wear a pair of Bettina Liano jeggings. Meanwhile, Kasey took to the stage to tell how her weight had stopped her from being able to ride her horse, a revelation that prompted Lydia to burst into tears. Michelle revealed for the second time that her weight stopped her from having the confidence to sing in public, before once again singing in public. Announcing that she was dedicating her song to everyone who had struggled with their weight, she burst into Amazing Grace, surprising a crowd that were ready for The Smiths’ You’re the one for me, Fatty.

This week showed that James’ exit from the blue team has had the unexpected consequence of shining a spotlight on his teammate, Hamish. The undoubted star of this week’s episodes, Hamish has exposed himself (literally) as the wettest lettuce ever to land in the BL salad bowl. This series we’ve travelled an emotional journey with the son-of-a-Tour-de-France rider (another photo of Dad, anyone?). We’ve watched him cry while reliving his years of bullying; cry while running up steps; cry on the treadmill because it was moving too fast; cry when he discovered the chocolate mousses were missing from the cool room. His resilience was put to its strongest test during the cross-country challenge, where he and his nemesis, Luke, were paired up in a challenge to win a two kilogram advantage in the weigh in. When the whistle blew, Luke set a cracking pace and took an early lead: then turned around and jogged to the back of the field to wait for Hamish who was inexplicably punching the ground and grunting. Wading through thick mud, Hamish struggled to maintain his momentum as well as his dignity, with Shannan screaming “don’t worry about your bum. Pull your pants up while you’re moving, you can do two things at once.” Apparently moving, hoisting AND whingeing is taking multitasking too far. Commando, peering through the soul-o-scope (reference 3), urged Graham to pass Hamish by observing ‘he’s young, he’s weak in his head.’ Luke summed up the situation by declaring ‘the course had twelve obstacles, but I’m dealing with thirteen, because I’ve got Hamish’. In a moment of pure schadenfreude, Simon declared that ‘Hamish’s frustration lifted my spirits,’ while Brenda stood at the finish line, waiting to take Hamish aside for a quiet word about not stealing another contestant’s gig.

Meanwhile, the women were well ahead, clambering over giant wooden cable reels. The red team were in the lead until Lydia, hearing T-zone shout ‘climbing over these reels is like getting on a horse,’ sprinted back and hurled herself on a reel, screaming ‘It’s a pony!’ The afternoon belonged to Hamish, however: confronted with a choice between becoming a man by swinging on a rope and falling into a river or crying, Hamish took the only logical option. Moaning ‘why can’t I just slide into the water?’ Hamish drew sympathy from his patient trainer and teammate: Shags shoved him into the river while Luke dragged him to the shore. With ‘I don’t want to!’ ringing in everyone’s ears, we are left to wonder: will Graeme make it out of the mud in time to cross the line ahead of Luke and Hamish, or will the most feeble runt of the BL litter manage to flounce his way to the finish?

*Except when that crier is Hamish. Then all bets are off, lettuce.

Saturday, 4 February 2012

Of course she does....

Rumour has it that B.I.C. pen (that's Blue Ivy Carter to all plebeians such as us who can only dream of having a diamond encrusted baby bottle to drink from) has 6 nannies. We here at imabogan ask....why only 6? Is there a recession on over there? B.I.C. should have 365 nannies, one for every goddamn day of the year! 6 is pure laziness. 6 means Beyonce might have to do some (god forbid) mothering! Jay-Z...get out your cheque book and sign up a few more Mary Poppins because B.I.C. will be suffering from neglect is she doesn't get some more hired help PRONTO!

The Biggest Loser Part 4

TBL 4: The farmer wants a loser

We rejoin our contestants, still reeling from the drama of elimination, to watch them do what they do best: recap. With an alacrity bestowed only on Camp BL alumni, the contestants mixed their metaphors and defied the laws of physics (‘I hoped and prayed,’ gushed Bek, ‘that deep down Selena was going to come through the room’) in order to recount their experience. In the tradition of TBL editorial mentor Bruce McAveney, the contestants’ summary manages to take longer than the elimination itself. Simon told the blue and white teams that ‘if no one cast a vote, no one would be going home’. Seeking clarification of this impenetrable gobbledegook, James asked, ‘so you had the opportunity not to vote anyone out.’ Realising how enigmatic his earlier message had been, Simon helpfully decodes, saying ‘we had the opportunity not to vote anyone out.’ Seeing how inarticulate the contestants were, the editors thoughtfully cut to earlier footage of Hayley explaining that, if no one cast a vote, no one would be going home. Australians all let us rejoice, for we finally understand the complexity of TBL’s voting system.

Tragically (for so many reasons), the trainers then entered the room: and so the recap was recapped. Eyes went big, Margie took a stand, and the Commando copped a cushion in the six pack.

Sensing that the teams needed to regroup, the trainers took charge. T-whiz revolutionised training in the dojang by counting in English. Commando led the black swans on an emotional journey to explore their feelings, drag some big ropes and crawl through mud. Then it was challenge time: Shane managed to outwit, outplay and outlast everyone, showing endurance, poise and strength by holding the yellow pages and whistling ‘Sweet Georgia Brown’. His reward: THE WALK.

How I’ve waited for this to come back to TBL’s toolbag of temptations. Poised on the edge of the big blue couch, I dared to dream: is this the return of the birdbath of control? Will the floating gerberas of chance again conceal the pebbles of decision? Sadly, no: gone, and replaced by the tool boxes of fate, which must have kept the prop guys busy for all of three minutes. Cut to Shane, who upholds TBL tradition by announcing what he is about to do, doing it, then telling us what he has done. Returning to Camp BL, he told the others that he had been faced with three forms of power: power over food, power over training, power to be a tool. His choice: to bring Selena back (yeah! See, the Timberlake/Timberland show continues…). This triggered quiet self-reflection in Margie, in which she reconsidered her initial position and realised she had been unfair to eliminate Selena. Then Father John exorcised the demon causing Marlena to levitate, and I realised it was all a dream…

While Commando was learning his lines for his Aah! Bra informercial, Shagger, T-spot and M-Briddy took their teams to the beach. Tiffiny sucked the ‘incentiv’ out of ‘incentivise’ by promising that if the girls ran up a massive hill ‘there’s high fives waiting for you.’ After misdiagnosing the source of Michelle’s anxiety attacks as due to anything but her maniacal ‘encouragement,’ Ice-T declared her ‘a warrior on the inside’. Showing similar analytical acuity, La Bridges was not prepared to accept that Brenda’s tears may have been brought on by being forced to exfoliate her chin across Bronte Beach.

A quick shower and change, and the contestants were off to Sydney’s Town Hall for temptation. Bek, having learned clarity from her previous mixed metaphor, declared temptation ‘very tempting’. In taking temptation, James revealed a sad secret from his past: he hadn’t watched any previous TBL series and therefore didn’t realise that $30,000 isn’t just given away, winning for his efforts a Samsonite briefcase and handcuffs. He also underestimated the power of his trainer’s psychic gifts: Shagger urged James to ‘tell me the story, although I can see it in your eyes already’. Ryan proved that by losing weight he gained literacy by declaring it was ‘bucketing down outside like the mood of the blue team’. Seeing Ryzer’s simile, Shags raised him a metaphor by announcing that James’ briefcase was ‘heavy, but was weighing him down far more mentally.’

Cut to the kitchen, where CommandoChef waxed Calombaris by describing the link between emotions and food. Apparently, poor nutrition leads inexorably to uncontrollable weeping on the scales. Sensing that he was a in a safe place, Shane revealed his own dark secret - an entirely rational fear of mesclun. MasterHot drove his point home (sorry, I just need to reflect on that for a moment…ok, back now) when he noted that the stainless steel bench looked just liked the stainless steel scales. This seemed to throw Graham into confusion: does this mean he should stand on the bench on Monday and make salad in the weigh-in room?

The next excursion was to the BL Ranch, where contestants were told that they were to round up and pen sheep. Margie had to hold Lydia back from sprinting towards a horse, while James, still weighed down mentally by a gold brick, noted that ‘the dog made it look easy’. Graham, his arm in a sling following a misunderstanding over kitchen scales, was insistent that ‘I don’t need my arm to round up sheep.’ Each team needed to sit out a contestant, so Ryzer, still dazed from being flung off the treadmill, stepped aside to allow James to chase sheep with his briefcase like a deranged wool trader. Each contestant revealed their own particular talents. Kasey declared ‘sheep are the most dumbest animals ever’ then was roundly outsmarted by all of them. Lydia ‘the sheep whisperer’ demonstrated that sheep really just want to be stroked and he(a)rd, while Shane managed to pen both a sheep and Simon. Hamish, the blue team’s own Dr Doolittle, ran away from the sheep and managed to do as little as possible. With the battle between the black and red teams to come, we wool wait for the shear excitement of that contest to hit our screens next week. I know I am as excited as ewes all.

Thursday, 2 February 2012

Hot Boge of the Day

HOT BOGE OF THE DAY

It's time to salute everyone's favourite '17' year old lil kitten/supermodel/recording artist/goddess....Courtney Stodden. This magestical beauty first graced our internet feeds when she married Horace from Lost. Not that exciting....except she was 16 and he was 51...oh how could he/she resist each other! They couldn't! Love knows no age! (Especially when your mum is keen to sign the court documents in Alabamba). Courtney clearly hates any kind of attention and is a shy little wallflower.....and that's why she is our Hot Boge of the Day! Not only that, her tweets exude literary fluency that only Dostoyevsky could dream of...... here's a few highlights: